Baby Steps
by PenelopeR
Summary: How Ruth and Jay cope with pregnancy
1. Chapter 1

Ruth was staring into space as she waited for the kettle to boil. She felt so confused. She thought she would feel something when she saw their baby on the screen, but she didn't, not like he did, he saw a baby all she saw was a splodge. She felt terrible for thinking like this, she felt tired, drained and just irritable. She was still thinking when the kettle boiled and she started to pour the water into her mug with the coffee granuales in and split the boiling water on her hand.

"Stupid bitch," Ruth muttered to herself as she burst into tears and turned on the tap and put it under the cold running water. "Ruth," he heard the friendly nurse say as he walked in and looked at her concerned as he passed her the towel, "you OK? Whats wrong?" Ruth looked up at him and tried to smiled. "I'm fine... honestly..." Ruth whispered as her hands started to shake. "Ruth, let me at least let me look at your hand," Charlie said as he took her hand and notice it shake in his. "Whats up?" Charlie asked as he led her to the sofa.

"I'm pregnant," Ruth mumbled as she looked down at her hands nervously as she saw one was bright red and she suddenly found it very intresting to look at. "Wow," Charlie said as he looked at her, "and how do you feel about it?" Ruth looked up at him tears brimming her eyes, she had grown rather attatched to the nurse since her sting in the phyractric ward after she had asked for help and there morning and evening jogs. "Confused," she said honestly, she knew there was no point lying to Charlie, he could tell if she was hiding something now. "Of course you are, its a confusing time, may I ask whose the father, or do I need not ask," Charlie said as he let out one of his famous chuckles. "You don't need to ask," Ruth mumbled at him worriedly, "things were going so well, I was happy, he was happy, now this."

Charlie took her hand and looekd at her seriously. "What does Jay think?" Charlie asked seriously, "have you told him?" Ruth nodded her head. "I didn't make the same mistakes as last time, I promise," Ruth said as she looked at him, "he is so happy, his face when I said I don't think I could do it, it crushed him... you remember that patient called Caitlin who came in with her husband, she guessed we were a couple, and I tried to lie and I could see his face Charlie, it was crushed then I blurted out we were having a baby." Ruth let out gentle sobs as she looked down at her hands.

"Have you spoken to Jay how you feel? Has he asked you?" Charlie asked as he took her hands in his and squeezed them gently. "No, well not really, only that I come off my lithium, which I have, I'm so scared Charlie, so scared," Ruth whispered as she looked at him tears rolling down her cheek. Charlie pulled her into a hug and kissed her head. "Come here you," Charlie whispered as he stroked her hair gently and looked at her as Ruth sat up, "you need to talk to Jay and you need to tell him how you feel, he needs to support you, not just be happy for himself but consider how you feel."

Ruth looked at him and sighed. "I am happy," Ruth said as she pulled out the scan as her hands still shaked and showed Charlie the picture. Charlie smiled at her. "Wow, look at that," Charlie said smiling, "looks like Jay." Ruth let out a snort of a laugh and looked at him. "It's a splodge," Ruth said as she looked at him, "I don't feel anything for it, thats awful, what sort of mum am I going to be?" Ruth got up off the sofa and paced up and down nervously. "You will, it will come, don't put so much pressure on yourself Ruth," Charlie said as looked at her, "you need to take it day by day, has Andrew gone through the side affects of coming off lithium, I could go through them with you, go through some things that will help?"

Ruth nodded her head as she still paced up and down. "I would like that Charlie," Ruth smiled at him, "Charlie thank you so much." Charlie looked at her shocked. "What for?" Charlie asked as he looked at him, "I haven't done anything apart from lend you my ears." Ruth laughed and smiled at him. "You have, you were there for me," Ruth whispered as she looked at him, "you were there for me when I betrayed you and lost you your job, how did you have the heart to help me when I needed you, I feel so bad Charlie." Ruth looked up at him tears again brimming her eyes. "You were ill, you have been for a long time, no one knew, you didn't, don't blame yourself for things you can't change now, you have made some mistakes, but haven't we all," Charlie said as he stood up and looked at her, "God I have made some terrible mistakes especially with Louis and my late ex wife Baz." Ruth smiled at him and then sighed as the door opened and in bounced Jay.

"Hey Gramps," Jay said as he smiled at him and noticed Ruth next to him tears still rolling down her cheeks, "Ruth what's wrong? What's happened?" Ruth looked at Charlie and then at Jay as she wiped her eyes quickly, she still hated crying in public even in front of the two people who knew her best. "I leave you two to talk," Charlie said as she patted her shoulder gently. Ruth sat down and looked at Jay as she again burst into tears.

"Ruth babe," Jay said as he kneeled down and put his finger under her chin and lift it up, "talk to me babe."


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm fine," Ruth mumbled as she looked away from him wiping her eyes. "Ruth your in tears, your not fine," Jay said as he wiped her cheek slowly and lovingly. Ruth looked at him and sighed. "I can't do this Jay," Ruth said as she got up and started to shake uncontrollably.

"Can't do what Ruth?" Jay said as he looked at her, "talk to me Ruth, don't shut me out please." Ruth turned and looked at him looking as white as a sheet and ran to the sink and was violently sick. Jay started to rub her back supportingly. "Its OK," Jay whispered as Ruth hung her head in shame. "It's not OK," Ruth whispered as she poured her coffee down the sink, "how the hell can I be a mother Jay? Look at me, what kind of mother am I going to be?"

"The best," Jay said as he looked at her seriously, "you are going to be the best mother you can be, and I am going to be with you the whole way." Ruth looked at him and sighed. "You don't get it do you Jay?" Ruth asked as she sat down on the couch and sighed. "Talk to me Ruth, please, I want to help and look after you, I promised you yesterday didn't I?" Jay saida s he looked seriously at her.

"How can I be a mother when I don't know what a mother does, I have never had one, who would want me as a mother, whats if I go all schitzo again and start cutting peoples heads open, who the hell would want that as there mum," Ruth said as she looked at him seriously, he could see the fear in her eyes, the fear of a relapse and the fear of her body changing and having no control over it and the fear of being a mother.

"I don't want to be like my mum, I don't want to let my child down, be so off my head on drugs and booze that I don't know my kids names, I don't want you to get so sick of me that you go off to the pub and go with the most beautiful girls out there, normal girls, girls who don't hurt you, look at me Jay, I'm a mess," Ruth whispered as she turned away and banged her head on her locker in frustration.

Jay gently pulled her into his arms and hugged her so tightly he thougth he might suffocate her. "Ruth, I love you I don't want anyone else but you, you won't like our child down, drugs you aren't a druggie, your the bravest person I know, your so brave and I am so proud of you Ruth," Jay said as tears sprung his eyes as he heard her cries muffle in his scrubs. "I don't want our baby to find me hanging from a ceiling," Ruth whispered as she shook uncontrollably.

Jay pulled her chin up and looked at her seriously tears falling down his own cheeks, he hated seeing her so broken and so scared. "I found her... I tried so hard to undo the ropes but I couldn't Jay, I really tried I did," Ruth whispered up to him. "I know," Jay said as he wiped her tears with his thumb and kissed her gently, "Ruth look at me, you are going to be the most amazng mother in the world, you are nothing like your mum, nothing."

"I tried to do it, I tried to kill myself just like Mum did, how can you say that?" Ruth asked as she looked at him panic in her eyes, "Whats if I have a relapse and do it and she finds me and she is scarred for life, what if she tries to do it like I did, I can't do that to her, to you." Jay looked at her his face full of concern. "You won't do it again, because I am here, I am not your Dad, I will never be like your Dad, I am going to do everything to look after you both, because this is what I want, us, you me and the baby," Jay said as he stroked her cheek lovingly, "let me look after you, let me protect you, I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with myself and my happiness, I didn't see you were struggling."

Ruth looked at him and stroked her cheek. "I love you," she whispered as she looked into his eyes, "I love you so much and I just don't know what I would do if you ever left me again, walked off and left me like you have done before." Jay sighed as he looked at her. "Never again," he whispered, "lets take you home, no arguements, you look shattered, let me look after you." Jay held out his hand and Ruth looked at him and took it as they walked out the staff room and out of the hospital Charlie looked at them and smiled to himself.


End file.
